I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but honestly, I really feel like giving up and if I go in 10 years from this, so be it. This is really hard. I spend hours shivering with chills that goes into being so overheated I can’t stand being in my skin. Soaking through all my clothes. Then the tired and achy and nauseated. I can’t even keep my eyes opened, never mind do anything close to a normal day’s activities. I was more productive with pneumonia. Nights like tonight make me think that I just want to be in a hospital where I can lay there and do absolutely nothing but rest and sleep (No, I really don’t want that, but . . . ).
Then I cry because it’s so hard.
Then I cry because there are so so many people worse off that I am, I should be ashamed. Buck it up you idiot. It’s not that bad. Get it in perspective.
Perspective, that’s funny. I have a hard time with that one. My perspective right now is very myopic and selfish. I hate that I can’t do anything and I have no energy nor ambition to do anything about it. I have hard water and 160 pounds of salt to put in the softener, but I can’t get it down there. My house smells, but I can’t clean for more that 20 minutes at a time and nothing that involves a lot of bending or walking. Most times not even that.
Then there’s the dogs that I’m not doing right by. (If I even mention them to Mom, she goes off. . . .wants me to give them away . . . for lots of reasons). Fergie is so matted it’s atrocious. I found that Cowboy Magic works, now it’s struggling with her to use it and clean her up and I’m too weak to do that. Loki needs the socialization and right now I can’t handle him in a class setting, again, too weak. This could be life-impacting for him and I can’t do what I need to. (do you think I have a little guilt 🙂 ). Called someone to train them on the fence. . . talk about feeling like a failure that I can’t do it. Can’t even get her to get back to me.
Then there’s always where’s the next mortgage payment coming from. I tell you, if I didn’t have to be around for the dogs for the next 12-15 years, I might have a whole different outlook on this. My kids don’t call from one end of the week to the other. . . Never mind come see me. I have no significant person in my life that gives a rip, I make very little contribution and to be honest, I would likely be forgotten very quickly. I always wanted to make an impact. . . ok another failure. I often think of when I die. I can’t see me being buried. . . .no one to come and visit. I was at my Dad’s plot in CA a few years back and just started to sob because I won’t be next to anyone, and I won’t have anyone to visit. . .. Ok cremation for me.
I just want things to get to where I can be me again. I have no idea who I’ve become, but I don’t like her very much. I have goals but no ambition. I’m just drowning.
Make it all be over. I hope I can make it though Oct without a complete breakdown and things turnaround quickly after that.
I need to go, this is just rambling now. I can’t see through the tears and I can’t think through the discomfort.
TTFN