Author: jmneve

It’s been several years since I have written of my experiences here. Luckily, I lived through all the treatments and surgeries. . . and I don’t say that as a figure of speech. Truth be told, if this recurs, I don’t know that I will go through that again. I don’t know that I will survive it.

Life after cancer has been hard. I was deemed “all well again” and yet I find myself unable to get a job, my body betrays me at every turn, and my life has become a huge day-to-day struggle. Once your well, your support system (or one that you did have) seems to dissipate. Why not, you’re well, no need anymore? I can’t say I blame people it’s really hard been a support for someone in that much need.

So I move on. I have become a struggling dog trainer and have to start over in life with an uncooperative body and the income of a High School Graduate with the responsibilities and entanglements of a 59-year-old. But day by day we make it work,

Anyway, as the title says life goes on and because of events today, I find myself pondering on the adage “Everything I needed to know, I learned in kindergarten”. In a way it’s true but in a way I find myself learning about the human condition each and every day. Today was a huge lesson, I just have to wonder at people and their motivations. I’ll try to make this story not as long as I would like it (I would love to rant at this point, but that won’t be productive to either you or me).

I am part of a group that is set up to support each other and further our businesses. I became very “attached” to many of the people in this group and would never hurt any of them. My goal from this group seemed to be aligned with the group when i joined: support each other, share info, and provide referrals. I see now, that our definition of support was vastly different.

I was feeling dissatisfied with the group. Month after month, I would sit and listen to people try to sell ME things that I neither wanted nor needed. One of the main focuses each month were our elevator pitches. Half of the people used this time as a product sales pitch on the latest specials this month, some of them made something up on the way in, and some put some time into it but seemed they never really understood what an elevator pitch was. In addition, my vision of support is to help each other be better. This means educate and fine-tune each other in a professional supportive way. Again, I was mistaken.

I got feedback from a few of the group members (at the time there were only 12 in the group, so the few was a decent percentage) about back-channel communications and decisions, common misunderstandings, an over-whelmed coordinator, and a general dissatisfaction with the direction of the group. Albeit, this was only from a few of the members.

With this information, I decided to interrupt the flow of a meeting and present the group with the issues I was both hearing and experiencing. I had several people express support for the ideas and several who vehemently and strongly disagreed. I could tell I was both stepping on toes and was seen as trying to destroy a safety net that some in the group had built.

However, the conversation continued. Not once did I hear that this was not the right time and place and suggest another. The group (on both sides) was engaged and continued. I let the conversation go. When the discussion ended, it ended with absolutely no resolution, no plan, no next steps, it just ended. I asked about next steps and the answer was shot back at me with disdain that if I wanted this continued, I’d have to call a special meeting and “see who shows up”.

Even with all of that, I was ok with how it went. We had a difference of opinion it was face to face, it was open and honest but PROFESSIONAL. No personal comments were made and most (but glaringly noticed, not all) people who had something to say, said it. After the meeting, even one of the members with an opposite opinion spoke to me and seemed to be good with the conversation and even told me of how the group was going wrong and needed to be righted. Like I said, not a great outcome, but not the worst either.

Then the glorified social media kicked in. One of the things that I have re-learned is that social media is the platform of the coward. Not having to bear looking someone in the eye or seeing them at all, encourages the worst in us. I was never mentioned directly, but comments rang out like “ I want to make it known that I felt today’s meeting was an “AMBUSH” against all that we have built here. “ and ” The whole negative approach of listing all the thjngs (typo in original) that were wrong with our group was very unprofessional and just not nice! “. (Mind you, the coordinator of the group was informed what I was going to do, how I was going to do it, and what I was going to say). Then things turned into “sides”. UGH. the drama. I just can’t deal with it. I am vacillating between fury and a sense of extreme sadness at the way I perceive I was treated.

So what did I learn today? I learned that people are very fragile and cannot handle anything that moves them out of their comfort zone. I’ve learned that even when they say something to a person’s face, they cannot be trusted without a long history with that person. I learned that going out on a limb is rarely rewarded and rarely worth it. I learned that I am tough but fragile and being tough has nothing to do with the ability to be hurt. Being tough is knowing you might be hurt and doing it anyway. These are things I never learned in kindergarten. I learned that dogs are better than people. This I did know!

This is starting to get really old. I just spent the worst 2 days so far. So incredibly sick. I feel like such a wimp. I’m so uncomfortable and ill, I am crying most of the time. I even think half the time I’d be better off in the hospital (of course that’s not an option with my pups. . . and I would never leave them).

I couldn’t move last night and could barely think. This morning I was too sick and weak to even make me something to eat. . . not that I could eat much i was so nauseated and all those other things I don’t have to mention again. See, isn’t this sounding like a broken record.

Thankfully Marie came down from Duluth to help. She was wonderful. Laundry, make me something to eat, cleaned up so I could navigate my bedroom again. I was VERY thankful.

So far at 4:11am, I’m feeling a little bit better. Can’t sleep at all and still feel sick, but not like I want to roll over and just die.

One more of these then we see what the next set of chemo drugs does to me. Oh the opportunities in the future. . . I can’t wait (she said sarcastically).

Hopefully, I can get back to just feeling plain sick today (what a goal. . .sheesh).

TTFN

Yesterday was another day of infusion. I was completely exhausted before hand as I was up ever 20 minutes going to the bathroom with “the runs”. Not fun! My appointment was at 1:00 which means that I would get out of there till 4pm at the best. Another not optimum situation. Dogs were ok, not great, but good for dogs that have been cooped up with no outlet for so long. I wish the person I contacted to train them on the fence would get back to me. I wonder how people like that stay in business. .. . I also guess that’s why I never let my customers go unanswered unless it’s an absolute emergency.

Anyway, the infusion started off on a sour note. The nurse missed the port, sent me through the roof and we’re off. In the exhausted condition I was in, causing me pain elicited an immediate reaction. . .. a yelp and “you missed it” came out of my mouth. She wiggled it around for a second (again, not a comfortable thing) and it finally sat where it could work. I say could work because it was not the best, it still caused me discomfort as the drugs were being pushed through the vein.

Blood tests taken and waiting for the infusion to start . . .. then I heard “I’ll be right back so we can talk. . . never a good sign. I’ve only been to 2 other infusions, but I know that’s code for “something’s wrong and you won’t be getting a treatment today. Instant tears. I can’t be set back another two weeks. If I was set back, it’s not like I would feel good for two weeks, I would feel like I did the past week for another two and then the chemo would set me even more on my butt once I did get it again.

The nurse cam back and said because of the diarrhea, they don’t feel comfortable giving me the infusion until they know it’s not a bacteria or some kind of infection. Through my tears I pleaded and argued that we’ve been here before and I always come out of it fine. The nurse decided to call the PA who made the decision and we started it all over again. PA said “hospital” several times for both right now and if it were an infection and chemo made it worse and I completely discounted both of those thoughts. She, however, was unrelenting, so I asked to have the decision kicked up the the Doctor.

I waited, and waited and waited and waited. Now i’m over one and one half hours into my treatment time with nothing done yet. Oh well. better that giving up and going home for 2 weeks. Just then the doctor came around the corner to check on me. First words out of my mouth were “i told you you drew the short straw when you got me as a patient”. He smiled and agreed 🙂

He checked me over and made me promise 2 things. 1. I would give them stool samples of my next movement and get them back to the center tomorrow and 2. I would take Imodium. I gladly agreed and the infusion started.

The rest was relatively uneventful. I did have to get a substitute nurse to give me the “red devil”. Funny, they inject this poison right into my veins but a pregnant woman can’t even handle the iv bag. Makes you think. I’m sure in 10+ years there will be better stuff for this.

Toward the end of the treatment, I started to get those damn headaches again. Made me think I was going to get the dizzies like the first time. I asked for a Tylenol and after it was over, I left. I had to pick up Imodium before getting home. Just what I wanted, a trek through Walmart 🙁

Headaches continued and I was wiped out. I got home at 5:30 (because of the delay), and let the dogs out. they were VERY ready to be sprung. They played and played. When 8pm rolled around (my and their bedtime), I just couldn’t put them in kennels, just not fair. I decided to go to sleep on the couch and let them do what they wanted. I woke up about 10:45 and to my surprise, they were all asleep with me. . . except Loki who was just sitting wondering what to do next 🙂

I put them to bed and myself retired. By that time the prednisone had kicked in and I wasn’t too sleepy but I hung in there and in about an hour or so, fell to sleep.

What I forgot to mention is that when I put Fergie in her kennel, I purposefully left her kennel door unlatched. I wanted to see if she noticed and what she would do about it. I came out to go to the bathroom at about 6am and while I was there she pushed the door of her kennel opened every so slightly. She would not come out. Her ears were down with concern, but she did stick her muzzle through the opening staring at me. I gave her encouragement and in about 3 minutes she made her way to me. Still confused, she walked around for a bit then I told her I was going back to bed. I opened the bedroom door and up she jumped on the bed and made herself comfortable . . .PERFECT!!!. I then made a fatal mistake. after a few minutes of petting. I found a huge mat that I had to remove. Out came the scissors, down went Fergie. She was very good exploring. Reinforced that she is capable of being left out unkenneled, but this drove Loki nuts. Oh well. . . he’ll get there sooner or later.

As trained, she had to go out and the doorbell rang. I knew it was important because after the bell rang, she came and stared at me. I guess the day is starting early. Let Fergie out, Let Coco out. . .then let the boys out.. . . and it’s just 6:30. It’s going to be a long day.

Headache is worse, jittery from the pred and starting to feel nauseated. . . and we begin another cycle.

TTFN

I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but honestly, I really feel like giving up and if I go in 10 years from this, so be it. This is really hard. I spend hours shivering with chills that goes into being so overheated I can’t stand being in my skin. Soaking through all my clothes. Then the tired and achy and nauseated. I can’t even keep my eyes opened, never mind do anything close to a normal day’s activities. I was more productive with pneumonia. Nights like tonight make me think that I just want to be in a hospital where I can lay there and do absolutely nothing but rest and sleep (No, I really don’t want that, but . . . ).

Then I cry because it’s so hard.

Then I cry because there are so so many people worse off that I am, I should be ashamed. Buck it up you idiot. It’s not that bad. Get it in perspective.

Perspective, that’s funny. I have a hard time with that one. My perspective right now is very myopic and selfish. I hate that I can’t do anything and I have no energy nor ambition to do anything about it. I have hard water and 160 pounds of salt to put in the softener, but I can’t get it down there. My house smells, but I can’t clean for more that 20 minutes at a time and nothing that involves a lot of bending or walking. Most times not even that.

Then there’s the dogs that I’m not doing right by. (If I even mention them to Mom, she goes off. . . .wants me to give them away . . . for lots of reasons). Fergie is so matted it’s atrocious. I found that Cowboy Magic works, now it’s struggling with her to use it and clean her up and I’m too weak to do that. Loki needs the socialization and right now I can’t handle him in a class setting, again, too weak. This could be life-impacting for him and I can’t do what I need to. (do you think I have a little guilt 🙂 ). Called someone to train them on the fence. . . talk about feeling like a failure that I can’t do it. Can’t even get her to get back to me.

Then there’s always where’s the next mortgage payment coming from. I tell you, if I didn’t have to be around for the dogs for the next 12-15 years, I might have a whole different outlook on this. My kids don’t call from one end of the week to the other. . . Never mind come see me. I have no significant person in my life that gives a rip, I make very little contribution and to be honest, I would likely be forgotten very quickly. I always wanted to make an impact. . . ok another failure. I often think of when I die. I can’t see me being buried. . . .no one to come and visit. I was at my Dad’s plot in CA a few years back and just started to sob because I won’t be next to anyone, and I won’t have anyone to visit. . .. Ok cremation for me.

I just want things to get to where I can be me again. I have no idea who I’ve become, but  I don’t like her very much. I have goals but no ambition. I’m just drowning.

Make it all be over. I hope I can make it though Oct without a complete breakdown and things turnaround quickly after that.

I need to go, this is just rambling now. I can’t see through the tears and I can’t think through the discomfort.

TTFN

I just can’t catch a break. Thursday I was feeling like crap but decided to try to get to the center. I left at my normal time (an hour before) thankful that DiAnn would be at the center to do most of the heavy lifting. She called me at 5:50. . . .25 minutes before the start of class saying she wouldn’t be coming that she didn’t feel well. . . Too late to cancel, and feeling like crap, I held the class. Not my best, but I did what I could. . . hope it was enough.

Friday all hell broke loose. for some reason, my ear/throat began to cause me great pain. It felt like the sinus infections I used to get, but my sinuses didn’t hurt. Pain kept increasing, voice kept disappearing. I should have know it would only get worse. I made the decision that I would wait till my Dr. appt on Monday and not call on Friday. Still not sure if it was the right thing to do; but no fever, so I thought it was a safe bet.

Saturday, there were no L1 or L2 classes, but we did have puppy. Again, with my ear hurting as much as it was and my voice almost gone, I was thankful I had help in the center. Oh wait, she never showed. No notice that she wasn’t coming, just didn’t come. Boy did I punt through puppy class, but again made it through. Limped home; must have driven about 20 mph all the way home. The pain was very distracting. Shouldn’t have been out in the first place.

Thank heaven the dogs were good when I got home. I went onto the couch and didn’t come off all weekend. Pain was excruciating; couldn’t eat; couldn’t drink; and Percocet didn’t put a dent in the pain. I did work under the assumption it was congestion causing all this, so I took Sudafed D and used a steaming mask to try to break things up. Nothing seemed to help.

By Sunday night, I was feeling a little bit better and tried to eat some solid food. Soft pasta noodles I thought would be a good bet. . . WRONG!!! The pain went through the roof worse than ever. Went to bed at 8pm in tears.

I guess what made it worse what that it was a holiday weekend and I never heard from the kids. . . not for the holiday or to see how I was feeling. I hadn’t heard from either of them in over a week. I heard from Mom, Aunt Anne (Susan and Annmarie were at her house), Louis, and Uncle Tony. Like I said before, I keep being shown time and time again, that the only person I can depend on to really get through this is me. Sucks, but that’s how it is. Now all I have to do is be strong enough to do it.

I should have known that since I and an appt today, the pain would be much better . . . .and it was. I think the vaporizer treatments helped a lot. Today is was only annoying. Dr. couldn’t see anything but told me to keep an eye on it.

He was not happy with how my chemo was going. Apparently my numbers (especially white blood count) were too all over the place. The meds that were supposed to stabilize the white count were looking as if they were completely ineffective. He needed to change my regimen so that I could have follow-up treatment the next day after chemo and again one week after. Hopefully that will keep my numbers a little more even. We’ll see. I start next Monday with the new Chemo regimen.

I give up trying to think I’m going to have good days during chemo. It just doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. The best I’m going to hope for is not awful.

I was feeling better today and decided I needed to empty the clean dishes from the dishwasher and load it up again from all the crap in the sink. Then I thought maybe I’d sweep the house (and remove the several dogs’ worth of hair on the floors). I got finished with the dishes and was completely wiped. . . couldn’t get to the floors. We’ll try for that tomorrow. (Keep your fingers crossed. . .I hate living in this pit).

That’s about it for now. I was able to start to crochet again (it’s been almost 2 weeks since I was able to do that). I am determined to finish this handbag by tomorrow. Hopefully I can report that successful too.

As Tigger would say TTFN

Another very, very long week. I was incapacitated again until Tuesday. I’m thinking that is going to be the pattern. . . .and a lousy pattern it is too. So sick I have to drag myself, step by step through the day. No rest for there are responsibilities to keep up with. Dogs to take care of, garbage to tend to, meals to try to prepare, mega tons of dust and dirt to try to minimize in the house (although I admit that is the last on my list). Every step a conscious effort to stay upright and not topple over from the dizzy headache that permeates every moment. Oh to give that all to someone so I don’t have to deal with it.

What’s worse, is that my house is such a disgusting pit that I am embarrassed to even have anyone come over to help or drop things off that I might need. I am forced to live in ways that are not acceptable to me and I am too damn proud to let others see. What a jackass. Just as my weight, it says something about the person to others, whether a truth or not, the statement is made. Deal with it, Joann.

After Tuesday, things lightened up a bit. Somehow, though now I have this excruciating earache. At least I think it’s an earache. I can’t really determine if it’s deep in my inner ear or my glands in my neck. I actually took a Percocet tonight because I can’t even swallow without sending me though the roof. (I never realized how much a person swallows during the course of a day . . . or even an hour). If it’s not one thing, it’s a @#$@# other. Just my luck.

Went to training tonight. I had 2 classes scheduled. DiAnn couldn’t make it and let me know an hour before the classes. I’m glad I had already determined I was capable of going. Too late to cancel at that point, but I was not really capable of teaching both the classes, still nowhere near well enough. If I had the proverbial, cherished full-time job, I would still be calling in sick. . . . and it would be very legitimate. The Level 1 class was good. Low key but we did a lot of good work. I did a lot of it sitting down.

I was so pleasantly surprised. One of my clients (actually the client’s dog) gave me a “boo boo” present. . . a small cactus, and card (from the dog). It was so nice to be thought of like that. Then I got another gift from a Boy Scout that I was helping with a Dog Care badge. A wonderful card, small carry satchel, and a bunch of tulips. I was really touched. I think he was very sincere. We talked quite a bit about dogs tonight and he seemed VERY interested. This is the second Boy Scout I have done this for. Brennan was the first and he too was a joy to work with. What a great sense of humor he has. Kept me constantly laughing. I love doing things like this. This is why I want to focus Pack Leader on working with Kids and Dogs. I just have to find a way to make it happen.

I have the best clients in the world! I can’t tell you how lucky I am. I can’t imagine the same relationship being offered to other trainers. I have quite a few who think I’m worthwhile. Several even consider me akin to family. I’m very lucky.

Only Henry showed up for Level 2 (besides the 2 Level 1 students that showed up by mistake to the wrong level). So we were out of there by 8 pm. It’s a good thing too. I was at the end of my endurance. I was getting the chills, completely achy, and could barely move (and don’t forget my ear 🙁    ).  I got home and actually left the dogs in their kennels for about 15 minutes while I went to lie down. I never do that, it’s just not fair to them. When I let them out, though, they were wild. . .. playing, jumping, barking, tussling. They were having a ball and I was having a hard time just staying upright. I let them play like crazy till 10 pm and then put them to bed. That’s not before I was caught under several of their play sessions and have the scars to prove it. I hate to be grumpy when they are just doing what they are supposed to do, but it is very hard.

Into bed and passed out immediately and then, guess what. . . up at midnight because I can’t sleep because I’m in so much pain. Can’t get at all comfortable. Oh well. Another night of no sleep only to set me up to struggle during the day.  At least I don’t have to do anything tomorrow and can hopefully get to bed without feeling completely beaten down.

This weekend is Easter. Haven’t heard from the girls at all. Would be nice if there were people who cared enough to check in at least regularly to see how I was. There are a few. . .. Mom, Aunt Anne, and Sheri. That’s about it. Notice my kids are not on that list. Am I being obstinate to take offense when my oldest chastised me saying that “You know, Mom, you can call me to let me know how you’re doing, too. I don’t have to be the one to always call”? You know, I might be wrong, but yes, she does have to be the one to call to see how I’m doing. As a result, we don’t talk much. Jenn is better, but touching base once a week just doesn’t seem right either. If there is a thing as Karma, I would like to know how I earned this.

Ok, the Percocet is kicking in, thankfully it appears to be working somewhat and the pain is not as sharp. Going to try to get some sleep so I can not be a complete bitch tomorrow.

Have a good night all. Talk to you soon

–joann

As dictated Sunday night (3/20) about 8:30pm

It’s times like this when I wish I was living with someone who give a rip about me.

Oh it was a terrible day. It didn’t start out too badly, I just felt a little bit off. But as the day wore on it got worse and worse and worse. I went to training (at least I got to the training center) but all I could do is put my head down on the desk. Thank heaven Sam was there. He did a great job with training. By the time classes were over at 1 o’clock I knew I was going to be in bad shape.

When I got home the dogs were just so excited to see me (I can’t blame them) they were in their kennels from, well, all night which is a 12 hour night. I didn’t get up in time so they only had an hour to hour so to play before I put them back in kennels for another five hours stint. So they played and played and played and I just sat. After a while I laid on the couch and they rested with me for a while. Of course Loki wanted to play ball. He always wants to play ball and he’s really good at it too. He’s actually learning to give it back to me and not to Jasper. Why he gives the ball to Jasper who never gives it back is beyond me.

I actually dozed for a little bit in between phone calls of course. And more playtime. By 8 o’clock I had had it. At 8 o’clock I was so dizzy I could barely stand. So now I’m dizzy and nauseous and weak and wishing I could eat something as I know it’s the right thing for me but I can’t even see to go into the kitchen. Sometimes don’t you wish you could just have somebody to watch over you take care of you. I tell you, in the last many years of been in Minnesota it doesn’t happen often, but this is definitely one of them. I’m just hoping that if I get some sleep it will be better, at least a little bit, in the morning he is wishing to a good good night.

Every time I go for a Oncology visit of any kind, I have to fill out this stupid form to rate on a scale of 1 to 10 how I’m feeling. . ..pain, discomfort, anxiousness, depression, etc. It is the stupidest thing. Then the nurse who does the initial intake, takes all this data and enters it. There is never any feedback.

On every form I put my depression at between a 7 and a 9. Never a word about it. What good is the form if it doesn’t trigger a response. I am actually thinking about refusing to fill it in next time and see what they say.

Better the second time around.

Friday, March 18.

Sue was nice enough to drive me down since I had no idea if I would be any better with the changes that would be made to my regimen. All in all it was a better experience this time. Port was activated immediately with no issues. My blood work was “perfect”, and things ran along at a good clip.

Now don’t get excited that the blood work was perfect, there were several red numbers on my sheet, (dang it if I forget what they were. I will ask for the results next time), but they were all normal for someone at my particular stage of chemo with my particular drugs. Not a great comforting thought, but . . .

I was made much more comfortable this time. Blanket, snacks, a drink. and it went right according to clockwork. In by 8:45 out by noon. After it was over, I had a roaring headache, but no dizziness. My head was “cloudy” but I could focus to drive well. I was completely exhausted, though . . . which I wasn’t the first time. All in all a good trade-off.

The rest of the day was uneventful. Felt like crap and all I wanted to do was sleep. My headached worsened and I took some Tylenol. It helped some, but sleep was the best medicine. My dread now, is tomorrow. I must get to the training center tomorrow and Sunday.

I mentioned my hair started to fall out on Thursday. By Friday I could make several Yorkie’s a day with what fell out of my head. I was initially told it would be gradual. A little here, a little there, till eventually it was all done. What I found out during chemo was that the eventually would be 2 weeks at the most. I’ll be lucky if I make a week.

Saturday, March 19

Wow do I feel sick. Can barely keep my eyes opened I’m so tired. My body is achy and my headache just won’t quit. BUT . . . I will make it to the training center.

I dragged through training and sat down for most of it. I detest lazy training in both trainers and owners. I just had not to many choices. Sam was there and I was VERY grateful he was. He was a huge help and I think he’s going to do both Level 1s today alone.

Last night when I collected my 5th or 6th Yorkie from my head there were several very large bald spots. I looked like one of those ads for hair replacement. That was it. I cut it short (really short) and decided it was time to either wear a wig or a chemo cap. And so we have it. No hair for Joann for 8 months. UGH. My Mom always used to call my shining glory and I was always really proud of that head of hair. . .. thin but VERY abundant and now it’s gone. People say it will be back, but now the nursing staff is telling me it will likely be different. Different in texture, different in straightness, even possibly a different color (which I highly doubt). Time will tell, but right now I have the duty of picking what hair I will (or won’t) wear every morning. I dread that. I’m trying to talk about it like it’s fun, but I was always a wash and go kind of person and this is just not going to be fun.

A few things I noticed. . . where I have no hair, boy it’s cold. I can see I will need something until it gets MUCH warmer here. The second is wigs are hot and uncomfortable. I can see that around the house it will either be nothing or a cap.

Thankfully the dogs didn’t freak out with either no hair, the cap or the wigs. They took it all in stride and just knew it was Mom. Don’t you just love dogs!

I notice I don’t sleep much the first week of chemo. I know part of it is the steroid they put in the IV. I also pee a lot more. I have to wake up at least 3 times per night to go to the bathroom. I think the runs are about to start again. One and one half weeks of that, again, not fun. I also don’t have any appetite. I’m going to put that in the not good category. I’ll have to keep an eye on that. I lost 8 pounds my first chemo week. we’ll see where we go this week.

That’s it for now. (Boy these sure aren’t short and sweet like Doogie Howser’s were); but there you have it.

Talk to you soon

–joann

Well, my record holds true, only one day in a row feeling anything close to well. Today it was light headed and dizzy. I had 2 classes tonight and couldn’t wait to come home. I almost gave up on the Level 2 class, but was able to think through it and get everything back under control. I hope they thought they had a productive class. It’s really not the easiest to keep on top of the dog’s idiosyncrasies, abilities, and current attitudes and put it all together to come up with things to do that both challenge them and keeps them from tipping over. Good for me 🙂

Today I noticed I started to lose my hair. I wonder how long it will be till I will need to do something about it: wig, chemo cap, shave it off. I’m not looking forward to it. I don’t consider myself vain, but my entire life (from childhood), people have always commented on how wonderful my hair was. I agreed and moved on. I appreciated it but never thought a lot about it. Now I’m thinking of it. It’s going to be hard for me when it’s gone.

Tomorrow is my second chemo treatment. I can’t tell you how much I’m dreading it. I know I’m making it worse by stressing over it, but I can’t help it. I can’t be as sick as I was after the first one. If I could I’d just run and hide.  Yea, but no.

That’s about it for now. I’ll let you know how it works out tomorrow. The sooner I write, the better it went (or that’s the theory I’m going for right now).

–joann